These last 3 months have been something like a dream. Or one of those movies that you watch and think “that would never happen to me” but real life is where movies actually get their inspiration, not the other way around. I am writing this today because I recently spent time around someone I hadn’t spent time with in a while and it. was. draining. Emotionally. You ever be around a person and it feels like their energy is literally pulling from yours. The worst part is..I’m not speaking of it in a bad context. This person honestly makes you feel good to be around but once they are away you feel like you have to go plug yourself into a wall somewhere and recharge. It shows me that I have come far but still have a long way to go.
When I started this blog, I was pregnant and experiencing so much in my life. I had to take a break my from my career as a dancer, the anticipation of being a single mom was knocking at the door of my anxiety and I was going thru the biggest spiritual shift of my life. I wanted a platform, no matter the size, to get my story told for someone who may be afraid to share theirs. So many individuals could be experiencing what you are and need to hear your story and just how you got thru it or how you are getting thru it now. It’s ok to share what the center of the storm is like while you are walking thru it. I love that I am able to be fully transparent with my readers with no judgement (some of you might be judging but *shoulder shrug* oh well).
As we near the end of a decade and make our way into a new one, I never would’ve imagined the growth, the love and the child that I am bringing into it with me. Leilani has caused me to do some serious self-reflecting because I want her existence to be one that is full of pure joy. I never thought it would make sense for me to have her without doing some excavating of all of the things that I considered made me look less than. Our society can be so consumed with looking good on the outside. What about your heart? Your relationship with God? (or whoever you believe in) The relationships you have with your family or friends turned family?
2019 was a year of so many things. A year of unlearning, aligning myself with what I would like my new core values to be, forgiveness and allowing myself to feel whatever emotions I experienced instead of tossing them to the side. I also spent the majority of the year pregnant and man…it was such a complete shift in my lifestyle. There were times where I cried because I felt like I was missing out on everything. Not just fun things but dance related things. Gigs, shows..you name it, I missed it. That time did give me the chance to be in the audience and support my loved ones who were still doing great things.
There was so much that I felt I had to unlearn and not because my mother did a horrible job raising me. I am most definite that she did the absolute best with everything she had. There was just a lot that I’ve noticed and learned as an adult that I would like to change for my own child as she grows and learns about the world around her. Some of it is not necessarily a “generational curse” breaking type of thing. I am just choosing to no longer do or be involved in behavior that I feel isn’t helpful towards myself or my daughter becoming a better human being.
This one here. This took so much out of me but replaced that energy with something even greater. We have to learn to forgive. It is not only helpful to us here on Earth as we navigate thru life but it is also helpful for your soul. God commands that we do so or He will not extend that grace to us. I literally had to buy a whole book on forgiveness and when I tell you I have never felt more free in my life. I knew that forgiving those that have harmed me, forgiving myself and asking God for forgiveness would set me free from all the pain that I was experiencing. Now, don’t get it twisted. Forgiveness is a constant behavior that we must practice DAILY. Unforgiveness is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. You are only hurting yourself and the other person is walking around living their best life while you are sitting bitter and upset. It is not worth it. I thank God that I was finally able to truly forgive those that I needed to.
2019 definitely taught me more about myself. While I still have so much more to learn as I also learn about Baby Lei, I am forever open to the endless possibilities that God will place into my world. I feel like I fell behind in tons of my work, especially with Hearts in Motion, but I will be coming back in the new year to continue on with my dream. Leilani has changed the trajectory of so much, 2020 and on has to be it.
I hope that whatever changes you had to make in 2019 carry on to 2020 and beyond. Remember, you are beautifully and wonderfully made because God created you extra special with a dash of awesomeness. May your new decade of life be one filled with love, light, happiness and success. See you next year! And as always, feel free to like/share/comment this or any of my blog posts.