It is 11:34pm. My daughter went to sleep around 9-9:30pm. You would think that this would mean I would dive at the chance to finally get some rest. Her day started at 7am. My day has no clear cut lines as to when it started or even ended. I stay up a few hours past when she falls asleep simply because it’s the one part of the day where I have some time to myself. When I do finally go to sleep, I randomly wake up for no reason. Some times it’s to make sure she’s breathing (yes, I still do that) but most times, its just because I’m having a hard time staying asleep. My sleep pattern hasn’t been the same since the uncomfortable portion of pregnancy and ya know..this quarantine hasn’t helped it. There has been a ton of talk about being thankful you get to spend this extra time with family and using this time to enhance your relationship with yourself etc. All of these are valid points. BUT what about the individual who has an infant and is single? What about the woman who just had a baby and had already spent the first few months of her newborns life indoors? What about sis that had one way of dealing with her issues and it was being around those that she loved but now she can’t due to the pandemic? Sis is me. I am sis.
I know I am not the only single mother on the planet. Hell, I actually have some help from my mom and friends. But I still carry 95% of the load when it comes to my Princess. This pandemic has basically made it impossible for my friends to come over and help like they normally would so it has literally just been me and my baby. I thought that being a single mom was tough when she was a newborn. Tuh. Now she’s getting older, more mobile and it’s actually not as easy as when she just used to lay there and sleep. Or cry. Either way, she wasn’t moving. I come in the room the other day to check on her during a nap and she was literally about to crawl right off the edge. Just making my nerves all types of bad. All of that to say, being a single mother during this pandemic has been smiles mixed with some tears. Some days, I feel like I’m killin’ it. Some days, I feel like I’m not sure where the energy is going to come from to tackle the day. It’s a lot. And to not have help that I feel like I could use, it gets tough.
My mom works overnight shifts so when she isn’t here, getting certain things done can be quite eventful. Something so simple as washing the dishes easily turns into a main event. She will sit in her bouncer and be content for maaaybe 5 minutes or so but after that it is like the end of the world. You think I let her sit in there and cry while trying to finish the dishes? Nope. Can’t do it. Just gotta say fxck the dishes. Showers every night? That’s a luxury at this point. Eating? Ahh who needs to eat so much food. You see where I’m going with this. I have yet to find this magical “balance” everyone talks so much about. Yes, balance is in quotations. Only because I feel like people are just afraid sometimes to say they didn’t know wtf they were doing in the beginning of being a mother so they claim a balance just falls upon you. Whatever. I’m not doing that and I’m not saying that either. The balance hasn’t fallen on me yet. At least not in managing the above things.
I love my daughter and I knew raising her on my own wouldn’t be an easy thing. I also wasn’t prepared for the solitude that this pandemic would bring. I went from being in the house often during my pregnancy to not being able to leave the house for the first 3 months of her life to being stuck in the house AGAIN. The extrovert in me is crying real tears. I’m too fearful to even leave the house with Leilani when outside opens back up because I don’t want to put her at any type of risk whatsoever. If it seems as though I had a really huge cup of black coffee next time you see me, don’t be alarmed. It’s just my body’s way of reacting to actual adult human contact.
Being a single mother is tough. Don’t let me sharing that get you confused on the absolute joy and warmth my heart feels every time I stare in this little girls eyes. She is a freaking masterpiece. And if I could quarantine with anyone in the world, it would be her. I also can’t wait to tell her about this nonsense. Stay safe everyone and please, wash your hands. Until next time, sending everyone lots of love and virtual hugs 🥰
— Loren Marie