Yesterday didn’t start off as planned. After being on hold for an important phone call, once the operator got on the call..it dropped. Leilani was having a meltdown in the background. AND I woke up to find out that my mother was not going to be able to watch Leilani while I go to the gym. Now, you may be saying “Oh Loren, that’s not a big deal. I thought you were going to say something worse.” Let me stop you right there and go ahead and dig into what this post is really about.
Not all of us have the relationships we wish we had with family
As I’ve gotten older, I am learning that family isn’t always those that are connected to you by blood. I get it, there are many who consider themselves ‘estranged’ from their family. This could be for a plethora of reasons. Old arguments that never had a resolve, differences in how things should be done, past hurts and well, the list goes on. I have to say that it does make me a little sad to see other families be so close. Still getting together for holidays, birthdays or just because it’s Saturday type of gatherings. I honestly feel like I haven’t been in the same space with all of my family in years. On my moms side anyways. My dad is in California and that part of my family is in San Antonio. It isn’t difficult for all of us to get together because the family is smaller. My father usually visits Texas twice a year and I try to go out to see him. During the covid pandemic though, I may not get to see any of them until next year which SUCKS but I know it’s for safety purposes.
This may come as a surprise to some, others..not so much. (And please note that, I do not and will not drag anyone in my family. However, I will be honest about how they’ve made me feel.) My mother and I do not have the best relationship. I am not too sure on when it started to go south. If I could guess, it would have to have been when I was maybe 16. That was the first dive it took. The second came at some point around 23. Since then, sure we have had good moments but overall, our relationship is kind of on the fritz. With that in mind, let’s take it back to my not so good morning.
Being a single parent means that I have to strategically plan my life. I was already big on planning and making sure I stay consistent with things I give myself to do but having Leilani has really forced me to do that times ten. Sundays is when I typically plan my week, aside from things that may have already been scheduled. When I planned to go to the gym, I told this to my mother and she acknowledged it so to my assumption, she would be able to watch Lei. When she decides to let me know at 9am that she wouldn’t be able to watch Lei at 10am, I immediately began to cry. Not just because I would not be able to go to the gym. Not just because I would not be able to go to the grocery store after the gym. But because this has been a constant battle that I’ve had with my mom. Just getting her to look after baby girl has been the biggest struggle on top of not being able to have many people watch her during this damn covid stuff. As I cried, I just thought of how much I want to be consistent but can’t be because the one person that told me she would help me has shown me time and time again that maybe, just maybe she didn’t mean what she said. It is just me here with my daughter. And to also have constantly thrown in my face “she’s your child”..as if I don’t know that already or to insinuate that you had her so you need to take care of her without help. I need help. And I am not afraid to admit that. Her father will never be part of her life and until God sends me my future husband, I am it. Along with the help that I get from her godparents/aunties, it is only my mother who is able to help out the most. It just really sucks that we don’t have the level of communication that I wish we had. I understand that she may have grown up in a home that didn’t make room for that. I can remember growing up and not necessarily feeling too comfortable sharing things with her but I was able to find other adults that I trusted being able to do that with. I know that now, no matter how uncomfortable or awkward it may feel at first, I HAVE to be the one that initiates this open dialogue. I do not want to feel sad like I felt on yesterday morning.
I don’t think that this at all makes my mother a bad person. We all have things we need to work on and this is just one of her things. I make a conscious effort to pray for her heart and mind. I know it takes a while to unlearn things. I can only hope and pray that our relationship will evolve, for the sake of Leilani. She needs to see the two most important women in her life get along. If you have a relationship in your life that suffers in ways like this or others, know that you are not alone. This wasn’t to have a pity party formed for me. Just me sharing and expressing, like many of my blog posts. Many of us are working our best to get it right, and that’s ok. As long as there is work being put in.