You are 1 year old. That’s 1 year of smiling, crying, laughter, confusion, understanding, mistakes and fixing those mistakes. When I brought you home, the only thing I kept thinking was I really am responsible for this tiny human life. No one told me the first thing you do when you get a baby home. I literally was terrified. Terrified that I would get something wrong. Terrified that you wouldn’t respond well to me. I was even scared that you wouldn’t love me.
We had some major struggles in the beginning. Breastfeeding was a nightmare, at first, but mommy was not going to give up. I can still hear your hunger cries. It was such a curdling scream that at times I wanted to cry myself. I felt like a failure of a mom because I wasn’t able to feed you like you needed to be fed. It was such a horrible feeling. On top of the lack (extreme lack) of sleep, my cup was drawing pretty near to dry. And still having to be your mommy, was tiring.
Then things got better. I’m not sure when but we began to form a bond. I could tell that you were starting to trust that mommy would be here for you. While I know this bond will only grow with time, it is also my job to remind you that you are loved, protected and respected. Even as a child. As my child.
I promise to give you every piece of me. At all times. You have caused me to grow in a plethora of ways. I just never knew how much my strength, patience, love and resilience was inside of me until I had you. The lessons that you teach me daily are priceless. To never give up. To stay consistent, no matter the circumstances and to just be present in every moment. Mommy isn’t always the teacher. Sometimes, I’m the student.
I love you so much Leilani. There just aren’t enough words to truly explain how thankful I am that God saw fit to bless me with you. You’re everything I never knew I needed. But God knew. And He sent me the best gift ever. Happy 1st Birthday to you Leilani Rene’ and many, many more.
What is it called when you want to cry but you don’t have any tears left?
What do you do when that feeling sits so deep within your chest?
You can’t run. You can’t hide. At least not from something that is inside of you.
You know how you have a favorite book? Or a favorite tv series? Or movie? Let’s call this situation one of your favorites. From beginning to end you know how it starts, what takes place in the middle and how it ends. Line for line. Play by play. You can easily act out everything.
Just because it’s a favorite…doesn’t mean you have to watch it again. Or pick it back up. You already know how it ends. (If you’re like me and your favorite movie is Titanic, we saw how that ends. Tears.) and just like that movie, this situation brings about more tears, more confusion and disbelief that this is really where you are now.
I give so much advice to friends about things but I need to be taking that advice my damn self. Compartmentalize, I told myself. Keep that situation in a box, I said. Yea. Right. That worked until well…it didn’t. We always tell ourselves we can handle anything until it’s time to handle anything. Crazy how life will really test a theory you put into the atmosphere.
I say all of this to say…well….I don’t know. I’m still figuring out how I feel. I do love this blog and consider it a safe space to empty my thoughts. I consider it so safe that if you want to reach out and share with me as well, that’s cool. I don’t have all the answers and I don’t pretend to. But we should always be able to come together and maybe find the answers that way. Or also be confused together. Whatever works in that space and time.
Until next time, may you continue to live in love, light and transparency ❤️
When you realize that something or someone isn’t what you need to elevate in life, you start to look at the relation to them/it versus what you actually need. Realization sucks more often than not (no one ever wants to say that but I’ll be honest since it’s my blog.)
One way the dictionary defines realization is as an act of becoming fully aware of something as a fact. When a person says they have had a self realizing experience, this means that they have become aware of things as facts in their own lives. Just because you are just now realizing it doesn’t mean it wasn’t always true. We tell ourselves lies more than we lie to people sometimes. Or we put up with things that we know damn well we shouldn’t be putting up with, we just haven’t quite figured out how to stop lying to ourselves about it to begin with. As I type this..it all seems really complicated. But guess what? It ain’t. All we have to do is what needs to be done, stop lying. To ourselves. To our loved ones. To our friends. To our colleagues. These lies are ultimately only hurting us anyways.
I say this because I was that person. I lied to to so many people..including myself. Just hoping that if I lied enough that it would become true. Yea..that’s not really how that works. You see, the truth will slowly start to burn a hole thru your soul (if you’re not a sociopath) and at some point, that hole will turn into a full on fire that you won’t be able to put out. So, maybe it’s time you let that girl/guy go. Or that job. Or those friends. Or that one family member that always comments on your weight every time they see you. It’s those people and things that make you feel like you have to lie just to get by. You don’t. And you shouldn’t. Once you realize how much better and more full your life will be without them/it, you’ll be thankful your eyes realized the lies and decided to let go.
Sending you peace, love and light during a time when those things seem so difficult to have 💕
A week ago, I was sitting in Hotel Alessandra sipping Prosecco and relaxing in my last day of 30. Last year I was pregnant for my 30th so I decided that this year I would celebrate as best as I could, despite a pandemic. Much has changed in the last year for me. A baby. Being forced to innovate my business plan due to the pandemic. All of everything that has taken place in the last year has definitely caused me to grow in ways I never would’ve imagined I could. It was only right that I celebrate this new year around the sun in a way that recognized how far I’ve come and what is in store for me next. Here I will share with you all just how magical my birthday weekend was and who knows..maybe you’ll check out some of these places or people for your next celebration.
I checked in to Hotel Alessandra and had a massage scheduled at their spa. Jennifer, the front desk clerk, was so kind from our first phone to my leaving. I received 20% off plus an addition of some handmade bath salts along with a glass of Prosecco. The woman who did my massage, Carmen, made me feel like a brand new woman y’all. It had been so long since I received a massage that I almost forgot how it felt. I felt like I was walking on a cloud after leaving out of the room. A cloud that drifted me back to my room and chill. After that, it was room service and more wine. I also taught my Sensual Saturday class via FB live. Sensual Saturday is a dance class that I started during the beginning of the pandemic and wanted to use as a way to celebrate with others since an actual turn up was not going to happen. It was so fun and an awesome way to celebrate with others. I was only there without Leilani for about 6 hours, I’m still a mommy and her fairy godmother was watching her just so I could spend some time alone. In all honesty, I missed her after that amount of time. So, it was time to pick up my little Leidy Bug.
Leilani is the best gift I’ve ever received in all of my life. I still don’t know what I did to deserve such a pure, unconditional love from God. Bringing in a new year wouldn’t have been right without her by my side. (Even though she was sleep by midnight.) The next morning one of my friends stopped by and ordered me brunch from Snooze. After brunch, I had my virtual pordy (yes, pordy) and a few friends stopped in zoom to just celebrate me and catch up. Throughout all of this, not being able to hang with my friends has been KILLING ME. I have always been someone that needs human interaction and Covid has basically come thru and wrecked shop on that. I was able to have a very small, intimate dinner that night with a few sister friends. The dinner was made by Aldine who is an amazing upcoming chef in Houston. You can check out the photo but it really doesn’t do the meal enough justice. I wanted something caribbean inspired sooo… we had fried cabbage, red beans and rice, an arugula salad, lamb chops, lobster tails, shrimp and to ease the spice of everything there was a watermelon lemonade that he squeezed (by hand!) It was very delicious you guys. Actually, delicious doesn’t begin to describe how great it was. My beautiful cake was made by Teacake of Caketivity. A red velvet dream. I loved every piece of it. Even though the cake couldn’t stay with me forever (I can’t be consuming all that sugar. My skin said NO.)
Overall, my birthday weekend was one to remember and I am so thankful for everything 30 had to give and I know that 31 has even more to offer. If you’re interested in any of the services that are mentioned above, please feel free to reach out! Until next time…
“It’s so nice to get flowers while you can still smell the fragrance.”
Yesterday didn’t start off as planned. After being on hold for an important phone call, once the operator got on the call..it dropped. Leilani was having a meltdown in the background. AND I woke up to find out that my mother was not going to be able to watch Leilani while I go to the gym. Now, you may be saying “Oh Loren, that’s not a big deal. I thought you were going to say something worse.” Let me stop you right there and go ahead and dig into what this post is really about.
Not all of us have the relationships we wish we had with family
As I’ve gotten older, I am learning that family isn’t always those that are connected to you by blood. I get it, there are many who consider themselves ‘estranged’ from their family. This could be for a plethora of reasons. Old arguments that never had a resolve, differences in how things should be done, past hurts and well, the list goes on. I have to say that it does make me a little sad to see other families be so close. Still getting together for holidays, birthdays or just because it’s Saturday type of gatherings. I honestly feel like I haven’t been in the same space with all of my family in years. On my moms side anyways. My dad is in California and that part of my family is in San Antonio. It isn’t difficult for all of us to get together because the family is smaller. My father usually visits Texas twice a year and I try to go out to see him. During the covid pandemic though, I may not get to see any of them until next year which SUCKS but I know it’s for safety purposes.
This may come as a surprise to some, others..not so much. (And please note that, I do not and will not drag anyone in my family. However, I will be honest about how they’ve made me feel.) My mother and I do not have the best relationship. I am not too sure on when it started to go south. If I could guess, it would have to have been when I was maybe 16. That was the first dive it took. The second came at some point around 23. Since then, sure we have had good moments but overall, our relationship is kind of on the fritz. With that in mind, let’s take it back to my not so good morning.
Being a single parent means that I have to strategically plan my life. I was already big on planning and making sure I stay consistent with things I give myself to do but having Leilani has really forced me to do that times ten. Sundays is when I typically plan my week, aside from things that may have already been scheduled. When I planned to go to the gym, I told this to my mother and she acknowledged it so to my assumption, she would be able to watch Lei. When she decides to let me know at 9am that she wouldn’t be able to watch Lei at 10am, I immediately began to cry. Not just because I would not be able to go to the gym. Not just because I would not be able to go to the grocery store after the gym. But because this has been a constant battle that I’ve had with my mom. Just getting her to look after baby girl has been the biggest struggle on top of not being able to have many people watch her during this damn covid stuff. As I cried, I just thought of how much I want to be consistent but can’t be because the one person that told me she would help me has shown me time and time again that maybe, just maybe she didn’t mean what she said. It is just me here with my daughter. And to also have constantly thrown in my face “she’s your child”..as if I don’t know that already or to insinuate that you had her so you need to take care of her without help. I need help. And I am not afraid to admit that. Her father will never be part of her life and until God sends me my future husband, I am it. Along with the help that I get from her godparents/aunties, it is only my mother who is able to help out the most. It just really sucks that we don’t have the level of communication that I wish we had. I understand that she may have grown up in a home that didn’t make room for that. I can remember growing up and not necessarily feeling too comfortable sharing things with her but I was able to find other adults that I trusted being able to do that with. I know that now, no matter how uncomfortable or awkward it may feel at first, I HAVE to be the one that initiates this open dialogue. I do not want to feel sad like I felt on yesterday morning.
I don’t think that this at all makes my mother a bad person. We all have things we need to work on and this is just one of her things. I make a conscious effort to pray for her heart and mind. I know it takes a while to unlearn things. I can only hope and pray that our relationship will evolve, for the sake of Leilani. She needs to see the two most important women in her life get along. If you have a relationship in your life that suffers in ways like this or others, know that you are not alone. This wasn’t to have a pity party formed for me. Just me sharing and expressing, like many of my blog posts. Many of us are working our best to get it right, and that’s ok. As long as there is work being put in.
If you’re interested in this beautiful print that I have on in the above picture, it actual a Jacket and Short set! Visit http://www.so-stormie.myshopify.com for it and more beautiful pieces.
Hey! It’s been a while and I apologize for the delay in giving you all more content… L I F E. I see that I have some new followers and I first want to say welcome and thank you for following my baby blog (she’s still real new.) If you’re ready to learn more about me, let’s proceed…
I am the proud founder of Hearts in Motion. It is a mobile dance service and we offer technique training, private lessons, stretching/conditioning and choreography. I have been blessed to be able to work with children and families in Houston, Beaumont and even in Brooklyn! I have worked with families for wedding choreography, sensual dance classes for ladies and competitions for dancers in middle thru high school. Literally, all types of dancing. I started this company a little over 2 years ago and the intention was to just make some change on the side and now it is blossoming into something I could’ve never imagined. I have a passion for working with the youth and Hearts in Motion allows me to do so. I was also recently awarded a grant from the Texas Youth Action Network which has allowed me to create a program called Creativity Speaks that will allow me to work with black and brown youth, at no charge to them. This program will give them the opportunity to not only learn dance and elements of theatre, but it will also allow them to use their voices creatively and help to put together the final presentation that they will share within their schools or communities. If you’re reading and you know of a group that could use a program like this, please feel free to reach out! I am currently looking for youth to bring this to. It is always my goal to share my love for the arts with kids who may not otherwise have the chance or access to it. I continue to pray for an abundance of opportunities for Hearts in Motion. (I also have these shirts for sale still.) If you wish to support in anyway, please don’t hesitate to reach out.
I am in a strange space. If you have friends who are dancing artists, check on them. We are NOT ok. While I understand that we are in this world of virtual everything, there is nothing like being able to train in a studio with other dancers. Having the instructor come by and correct you. Feeling the energy that is in the room. I miss that. WE miss that. No one wants to continuously learn on zoom forever. Gaaaahhhh! I need to be training in the space. I need to be present in the space. I get not always dancing in the studio but to have it ripped from us like it has been and then struggle with it being safe to go back, especially now, it’s a lot. I do have things coming up that I’m preparing for so I’ll count my blessings but the reality is, I miss being able to take class IN PERSON. Just check on a dancer today.
This child. She just keeps growing and I honestly want her to slow down. Here she is pictured helping mommy plant some seeds. Sorta. In the midst of creating, working my business, photoshoots, video shoots..my baby is usually right there with me. Yes, even being breastfed in the middle of a rehearsal. Having someone available to watch her for everything I have going on just isn’t possible at times. Hearts in Motion literally has had a whole new meaning since her arrival. She really is my WHOLE heart moving outside of my body. Whatever I have to do to make sure she has an amazing life, I will. That is why my business and my craft are super important to me. It’s all for her now.
I don’t want to make this too lengthy. Thank you for reading to the end 🙂 If you wish to support my business by purchasing a shirt, any of my services or interested in Creativity Speaks just drop a comment or reach out to me via IG @heartsinmotion_. And while you’re at it..a follow would be nice. Since you’re here and all 😉
I have been single, technically, for well over 2 years. Over the last 5-6 years I was involved with someone. We were basically dating (he just didn’t want to admit that) and throughout that time I pretty much only involved myself with him. Fast forward to today and I am a single mom who is terrified of getting back on the dating scene.
There are multiple reasons why…
As I said previously, I was super wrapped up in this last guy. Ok..not my exact words but I was definitely tangled in him. We did not end on the best of terms and a lot of emotional damage was done. A TON. After that, I vowed to just focus on healing and making sure my child and I had everything we needed. With everything my heart had been thru, I was not even the least bit concerned with dating. Add a baby on top of that and men haven’t even had a chance to flirt with me let alone I actually talk to someone as a love interest. Nope. No way. Not happening. I fail to mention the pandemic that has caused social distancing to become the new norm. How in thee hell am I supposed to meet people when I’m too nervous or scared to allow anyone to get 12 feet from me. (6 feet isn’t enough.)
Healing. A baby. Career goals. Spiritual goals. A pandemic.
Who has time to date?!?!
As I’ve asked myself that question, I still wonder how to approach dating now that I have a child. Am I even dateable while she is this young? Should I wait? How long do I wait, if I wait? I’ve been back and forth. And you can’t trust people like that so do I date someone I should’ve given a chance years ago or start fresh? Y’all. It makes my head hurt when I think about it. I don’t want to be single forever and I know that God has created this hunk of a man I’ve been praying for. But my behind is going to miss out on him with this fear of dating I have. I have learned from previous failed situationships and my standards have definitely changed when it comes to men. No, I don’t require that they make x amount of dollars a year or drive a particular vehicle. All of that is materialistic and if you know me, you know I could give an ish about any of that stuff. You can’t be out here broke but y’all get what I’m saying. I’m more interested in where his mind is, how does he tend to his mental health, does he care for his spiritual self and is he working towards a bigger goal in his life.
Being a single mama and thinking of dating is scary. My constant prayer is that God send me exactly who He knows I need. I pray daily for my future husband, but sometimes what I think I need and what I actually need are two different things so…God just fills in the gaps for me. Everything works out the way it’s supposed to. It always does. I’ll just keep being awesome out here in the mean time…
As some of you may know and for those of you that don’t, I am a new single mama. This 8 month old requires so much more attention, energy and time than I could have ever expected. While I am completely willing and obligated to give that to her, it can be easy to forget about your own needs in the process. There is a saying that goes “You can’t pour into someone else’s cup if yours is empty.” And it’s true. There is no way that I can take care of her at full capacity if I’m running around on fumes. As difficult as it has been, I have created a self-care routine to make sure I can physically, emotionally, spiritually and mentally give my all towards her and everything that I am doing.
How you take care of your body MATTERS.
I do my best to practice good, clean whole food eating while also making sure I am using products that are safe for my child, me and the environment. Where I run into the problem is WHEN I can actually eat. I have my mothers help but most times it is just us at home. I’m making sure she isn’t getting into the dog food bowl (that’s her thing now 🤦🏾♀️), nursing her to sleep, washing clothes, cleaning, getting work done…half the day will have gone by and I haven’t eaten. Your food needs the proper nourishment and nutrients to function and being a breastfeeding mama, I need double. Making sure I get that has become a top priority in my daily self care duties. Without food you lack energy, you’re cranky and it just doesn’t feel good to be hungry. It is a daily struggle but I am still doing my best to map out times to eat and get snacks during the day.
Not only is your food and nutrient intake important, but your skincare routine matters just the same. There are a mirage of products that you can use for daily and weekly skincare. I will share a few below that have given me major improvement that I highly recommend. You’re welcome 😊
Now, for my spiritual and mental health I lean on quite a few things. My walk with God has been a constant and while I may fall to the wayside, as we all do, I hold tightly to my faith thru any circumstance. This didn’t happen overnight and it can be difficult to hold on to when you can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. At one point, I was seeing a therapist for a couple of years but it’s been a while since I’ve been to him. Please, please if you have or experience feelings of hopelessness or things start to feel overwhelming..there is so much help out there for you. Especially during this Covid Era. You can even reach out to me and I’ll help in whatever I can. I listen to Oprah’s Soul Sessions via Spotify for encouragement and I also have a daily devotional, pictured below.
These are just a few things I have done my best to incorporate into my daily and weekly self care routines. Being a mother whether single or married, is tough work. We can so easily forget our needs because we have so many other things that need to be taken care of. Don’t forget about yourself. You still matter, mama ❤️
It is 11:34pm. My daughter went to sleep around 9-9:30pm. You would think that this would mean I would dive at the chance to finally get some rest. Her day started at 7am. My day has no clear cut lines as to when it started or even ended. I stay up a few hours past when she falls asleep simply because it’s the one part of the day where I have some time to myself. When I do finally go to sleep, I randomly wake up for no reason. Some times it’s to make sure she’s breathing (yes, I still do that) but most times, its just because I’m having a hard time staying asleep. My sleep pattern hasn’t been the same since the uncomfortable portion of pregnancy and ya know..this quarantine hasn’t helped it. There has been a ton of talk about being thankful you get to spend this extra time with family and using this time to enhance your relationship with yourself etc. All of these are valid points. BUT what about the individual who has an infant and is single? What about the woman who just had a baby and had already spent the first few months of her newborns life indoors? What about sis that had one way of dealing with her issues and it was being around those that she loved but now she can’t due to the pandemic? Sis is me. I am sis.
I know I am not the only single mother on the planet. Hell, I actually have some help from my mom and friends. But I still carry 95% of the load when it comes to my Princess. This pandemic has basically made it impossible for my friends to come over and help like they normally would so it has literally just been me and my baby. I thought that being a single mom was tough when she was a newborn. Tuh. Now she’s getting older, more mobile and it’s actually not as easy as when she just used to lay there and sleep. Or cry. Either way, she wasn’t moving. I come in the room the other day to check on her during a nap and she was literally about to crawl right off the edge. Just making my nerves all types of bad. All of that to say, being a single mother during this pandemic has been smiles mixed with some tears. Some days, I feel like I’m killin’ it. Some days, I feel like I’m not sure where the energy is going to come from to tackle the day. It’s a lot. And to not have help that I feel like I could use, it gets tough.
My mom works overnight shifts so when she isn’t here, getting certain things done can be quite eventful. Something so simple as washing the dishes easily turns into a main event. She will sit in her bouncer and be content for maaaybe 5 minutes or so but after that it is like the end of the world. You think I let her sit in there and cry while trying to finish the dishes? Nope. Can’t do it. Just gotta say fxck the dishes. Showers every night? That’s a luxury at this point. Eating? Ahh who needs to eat so much food. You see where I’m going with this. I have yet to find this magical “balance” everyone talks so much about. Yes, balance is in quotations. Only because I feel like people are just afraid sometimes to say they didn’t know wtf they were doing in the beginning of being a mother so they claim a balance just falls upon you. Whatever. I’m not doing that and I’m not saying that either. The balance hasn’t fallen on me yet. At least not in managing the above things.
I love my daughter and I knew raising her on my own wouldn’t be an easy thing. I also wasn’t prepared for the solitude that this pandemic would bring. I went from being in the house often during my pregnancy to not being able to leave the house for the first 3 months of her life to being stuck in the house AGAIN. The extrovert in me is crying real tears. I’m too fearful to even leave the house with Leilani when outside opens back up because I don’t want to put her at any type of risk whatsoever. If it seems as though I had a really huge cup of black coffee next time you see me, don’t be alarmed. It’s just my body’s way of reacting to actual adult human contact.
Being a single mother is tough. Don’t let me sharing that get you confused on the absolute joy and warmth my heart feels every time I stare in this little girls eyes. She is a freaking masterpiece. And if I could quarantine with anyone in the world, it would be her. I also can’t wait to tell her about this nonsense. Stay safe everyone and please, wash your hands. Until next time, sending everyone lots of love and virtual hugs 🥰
It has been a while since I’ve posted a blog. Not that I have many to begin with BUT I told myself that I would do my best to be consistent with this and well…I did the complete opposite. Not because I didn’t know what to say but because I was scared to say what I actually wanted to.
I had a friend share something on Facebook about being transparent versus being vulnerable. When I googled the difference myself, I found this: Transparency merely refers to the quality of being upfront and forthright. Vulnerability refers to something much more sacred and significant, as it involves exposing the tender places of one’s soul. When we say someone is being transparent, we mean they’re not attempting to hide anything. This struck a chord throughout my whole entire soul. I created this blog with the mere intent of being transparent with all of you. I was selective in what I was being upfront and forthright about. I have shared some vulnerable moments but even within those I managed to still filter out what I felt would be too exposing or make me look bad. It wasn’t dishonest but it sure as hell wasn’t 100% honest either. I have shared some extremely vulnerable situations with the world, but recently I just didn’t have the courage to do it anymore. You can say it was for fear of being judged or fear of having people look at me differently. I’m going to tell you that I was ashamed, embarrassed and disappointed in myself and there was no way that I could let you all see and know what that looked like from me. My apologies for not being 100% of who I said I would be when this all started.
With that being said, allow me to reintroduce myself. I am Loren and I am a single mom, entrepreneur, dancing artist/instructor and a human being who has made and learned from many of her colorful mistakes. I have a 7 month old daughter, Leilani, who has become the light of my world. I have 0 ties with her father, so it is me, her granny and her beautiful group of aunties/uncles who are holding this little flower child down. I experienced the toughest heartbreak/separation from someone and it haunts me daily. I know that with God, therapy and time, healing is possible. I have allowed myself the grace to know that I won’t heal from that overnight. I have done many things in the past that I am far from proud of but good or bad, it has molded me into who I am today.
The other thing is that I felt like no one was really coming to read my posts and I had to remind myself, AGAIN, that I didn’t initially create this blog longing for people to come to it. That is a good thing but this was just a way for me to share and that is what it should remain. It doesn’t matter how many people, if any, see this. If anyone is reading this and you feel like you need to do some reintroducing in your own life, go ahead. You are always free to start over and begin anew. If you have any questions for me or want to know anything, feel free to ask. I am open to any and all questions. I pray each and everyone you is being safe and healthy during this pandemic. Love, peace and happiness to all of you. Until next time…